Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

The tastiest weapon in the world is a wooter and his Marshmallow Popper. It is your sweet tooth which must be harnessed if you expect to survive combat in the hellholes of Candyland! If your sweet tooth is not sharp and strong, you will hesitate at the moment of truth. The enemy’s marshmallows will hit you first! You will become sticky wooters and then you will be in a world of chocolate because wooters are not allowed to get sticky without permission! Do you gummi maggots understand?

Tonight, you will sleep with your Marshmallow Poppers. You will give your Marshmallow Popper a sweet name because this is the only candy you people are going to get. Your days of tongue-licking Mary Jane Lollipop through her perty pink wrapper are over! You’re married to this piece, this weapon of sugar and plastic. And you will be faithful! Also, you will not eat the included green foam pellets, because they are not edible! And they taste lousy, anyway! Now pray, you sweetstains!

This is my Marshmallow Popper. My Marshmallow Popper is my best friend, because all my other friends are tired of me shooting mini-marshmallows at them all the time. Marshmallows are sold separately. Without marshmallows, my popper is useless. Without me, I am useless. I must pop my marshmallows true. I must pop straighter than my enemy, who is trying to make me sticky. I must goo him before he goos me. I swear this creed: my Marshmallow Popper and myself are major annoyances to my family, my friends, and my country. And don’t get me started on my pets. So be it, until we run out of marshmallows, or somebody breaks my Marshmallow Popper to make me stop. Amen.

You will bring a dessert storm of sweet, sweet pain to the enemy or I will drop so much sugar on your head you’ll fart rock candy! I don’t take kindly to saccharine-livered Sweet-’n’-Low-suckers cloying up my beloved Corps! Understood? I said is that understood? Now fall in, sweetbags!

I don’t know but I been told
I don’t know but I been told
Even eskimos like marshmallows!
Even eskimos like marshmallows!